Month: January 2019

Taking life in your own hands, or how to learn being “hands-free”

Today, yet again, I faced another tough question: where is the balance between taking your life in your own hands and just living your life as it goes, accepting thankfully everything that comes into it?

I always liked being on top of the situation, controlling myself, my emotions and thoughts, and even trying to take control over the people and events. I can not say it worked well. Actually, it worked sometimes bringing the results which can be considered quite good. But it didn’t help a lot. It helped me to pay my taxes, calculate the discounts and achieve some success at work. Right. In all other life situations it worked the other way around. These vain endeavours to make some visible order in my personal life, my emotions and other people’s behaviour made my life messier and more disorganised.

I couldn’t get the problem, and to be honest I am not so sure I’ve got it by the moment. Why on earth is it good to control your money, be accurate with your bills and taxes, clean your teeth twice a day, not to eat after 6 pm, put some morning/night cream on your face and honestly believe that all this rubbish will bring you to a perfect life? And why does not this method work with all other stuff?

A funny thing is that now I know, no one guarantees anything to you. Money can be lost, teeth can bring pain, eating before 6 pm does not mean being fit and healthy and so on. I must admit, that sounds shitty. If I can’t control anything, how am I supposed to take my life in my own hands?

As for emotions and feelings it’s even worse. I am totally convinced now, I can’t control them at all. They live in me without asking my permission and if I try to control them – they revolt. Sooner or later.

So, they say I just need to learn how to live intuitively, do not control and analyse my emotions, just feel them and let them be as they are. The tough thing for me is that I can’t understand how to live instinctively, 30 years of being a control freak lead to some consequences which can not be demolished so easy. And where am I supposed to put good and useful things: principles, discipline, will power, purposefulness? How can they easily coexist with intuition and acceptance?

I hope I will find the answers to all these questions. When there’s a will, there’s a way. And my way to “hands-free” state is in process.

Making friends, or Dale Carnegie wasn’t completely right

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Start being genuinely interested in yourself, that’s the ground zero for everything.

Dale Carnegie said that “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

Well, I believe he was totally right. In a certain way.
Me personally, I would add here another critical point: you can make real friends only by becoming genuinely interested in yourself. Paradox? A kind of.

I am not speaking about becoming selfish and egotistic. My point is totally different.
I mean that you can not build any stable and long relationship without being interested in yourself and knowing exactly who you are and what you want. That’s the ground zero for everything. You, your thoughts, your opinions, your principles and your desires start everything and make you being real, an individual who differs from others. Everyone who begins any relationship with you (friendship or another one) must know whom they are dealing with. Otherwise it would be a kind of a “blind date” for both of you, and, as almost all blind dates, it won’t bring any good results and good experiences.

Acting blindfolded will mean each of you will deal with a total stranger: your friend does not know who you are, you – do not know who you are too. The scheme 1+1+1=2? does not look very inspiring, indeed.

If your “friend” does not know him/herself well, this scheme will be even more rotted. This relationship can be shown as 1+1+1+1=2? where several different people act independently and unconsciously trying to make 2 of 4.
So, start with yourself. The journey to friendship, confidence and loyalty begins with you and your self-understanding. No one says this journey will be quick and easy but unfortunately it’s the only way to build something valuable and stable.

Personal boundaries and immigration

It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. The main core must stay stable, as this main core is the person itself.

Recently I’ve realized one thing. This insight was so obvious and simple that now I am really surprised I needed so much time to come to this.
My personal boundaries and life principles are the most important things! It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. Moving to a totally new place does change a person, that’s true. But at the same time the main core must stay stable, must not be changed or even tried to be changed. As this main core is the person itself. Without this core the person does not exist at all.

Boom! Why did not I think about this before? Because. Because somehow I was lost among the changes, new things and lots of thoughts, overwhelmed with the information, events and fears. So many new things to think about, so many people telling you about their experience and giving you the instructions how to become a more successful immigrant. Motherforking shirt! What was I thinking when I tried to fit in those experiences of the people that I even don’t know and who mean nothing to me? That’s their lives, their choice and their experience. I want to build up my own.

Thanks to God somewhere near my 30s I finally started to get the idea of who I am and what I want. I am still learning this: to answer those simple questions and to make my own choice. All the time and everywhere. And here is the point: that worked quite well for me when I was at home. But when I moved to another place, somehow this idea got squeezed by the burden of mixed emotions, tons of information and growing frustration. I did not know what I had to do, what people expected from me or do they even expected anything? And I found a way: being nice and friendly and make new friends (as all those “consultants” say).

And one day a good thing happened to me. I was at a social meeting, was nice and friendly, talked to people and tried to make new friends. And after coming home, when the meeting was over, I suddenly realized that in this “nice and friendly” state I almost let a person trespass my boundaries. Again. Again because it happened before. Again although I spent some years learning how to protect them.

I must admit I was frustrated. Smashed. What’s the point? I’ve just tried to be nice and friendly, what did I do wrong? And then I realized: the idea of being “nice and friendly” because I am new here and want to build your social life from scratch is totally rotten. That’s a dead end! Makes totally no sense to forget about your boundaries and the main core while that’s who you are and what makes you a personality. If you are talkative and easy-going, or boring and introverted – be honest with yourself and keep being so! If you start being another person, you will lose yourself and fool other people too. They meet you, got the wrong idea about you and then will expect some definite behavior from you. So, you fall in your own trap!

I realized that being myself is the only right decision I can take. It’s the right decision because it feels right to be me. I will follow my heart and take my own choice. If I don’t like a person or don’t like it’s behavior, I can say directly: “Hey, buddy, stop this right now. I don’t like this!”. That does not mean I must be rude or sound offensive. I just want to let the person know that here is the line which must not be crossed no matter what. And if the person does not get this at once – I have all the rights to protect my boundaries by the means I choose. I even can be rude or offensive (if I choose this) because I gave the warning notice and here are the consequences.

And if my choice to be myself will push some people away from me – then so be it. All is for the best in the best of possible worlds. I am sure if some people go, then other people will come. The people who will respect the same rules as me and will appreciate my personality. If there will be 1 or 2 of them at this new place, then so be it. 1 or 2 valuable people is already a lot – in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe.