Today, yet again, I faced another tough question: where is the balance between taking your life in your own hands and just living your life as it goes, accepting thankfully everything that comes into it?
I always liked being on top of the situation, controlling myself, my emotions and thoughts, and even trying to take control over the people and events. I can not say it worked well. Actually, it worked sometimes bringing the results which can be considered quite good. But it didn’t help a lot. It helped me to pay my taxes, calculate the discounts and achieve some success at work. Right. In all other life situations it worked the other way around. These vain endeavours to make some visible order in my personal life, my emotions and other people’s behaviour made my life messier and more disorganised.
I couldn’t get the problem, and to be honest I am not so sure I’ve got it by the moment. Why on earth is it good to control your money, be accurate with your bills and taxes, clean your teeth twice a day, not to eat after 6 pm, put some morning/night cream on your face and honestly believe that all this rubbish will bring you to a perfect life? And why does not this method work with all other stuff?
A funny thing is that now I know, no one guarantees anything to you. Money can be lost, teeth can bring pain, eating before 6 pm does not mean being fit and healthy and so on. I must admit, that sounds shitty. If I can’t control anything, how am I supposed to take my life in my own hands?
As for emotions and feelings it’s even worse. I am totally convinced now, I can’t control them at all. They live in me without asking my permission and if I try to control them – they revolt. Sooner or later.
So, they say I just need to learn how to live intuitively, do not control and analyse my emotions, just feel them and let them be as they are. The tough thing for me is that I can’t understand how to live instinctively, 30 years of being a control freak lead to some consequences which can not be demolished so easy. And where am I supposed to put good and useful things: principles, discipline, will power, purposefulness? How can they easily coexist with intuition and acceptance?
I hope I will find the answers to all these questions. When there’s a will, there’s a way. And my way to “hands-free” state is in process.