I want to do the things that I like doing. I want to be satisfied with the results of my activity and achieve something. And it must bring me pleasure. That’s what makes a difference!
Yesterday I was communicating to a person concerning my possible work for a certain organization. The discussion was going quite ok, although some points bothered me a little.
But when I woke up in the night, I suddenly realized – I just don’t want to do this exact job. I mean it’s fine, quite ok, close to what I did before maybe too simple comparing to what I had achieved. But that’s not the point.
I was thinking about the company who gives this job – they are doing what they are doing for some reasons. They find this useful, maybe the impact that their activity brings is crucial or they just earn money as they can and like it. In any case they do it for some purpose. They make a difference.
But why was I going to fit in this? What kind of difference am I supposed to make if I personally don’t find anything special for me in this job: it does not feel like a big challenge, it’s unlikely that I will learn something new and I am not going to earn money there (must admit I really like earning money and investing it for doing something good. That’s one of my peculiarities.). So why do I want to do this? Actually I do not. It does not feel good for me. Starting to invest my time and my efforts in this makes totally no sense for me.
If I do this because it’s quite a good start for an immigrant, right way to launch my future career here or the normal 1st job at a new place, that will be a big mistake. That feels in the same way as to marry a guy who is fine, quite ok, maybe nice and has a good potential but whom I don’t like, don’t love! The same bullshit.
I want to do the things that I like doing. I want to be satisfied with the results of my activity and achieve something. And it must bring me pleasure. This point is critical: this job must bring me good emotions, satisfaction, motivation and PLEASURE. That’s what makes a difference!
They say the darkest time is just before the dawn. I believe that’s true.
If you can not find the truth within yourself, where else do you expect to find it?
Dogen, a Japanese philosopher
They say when you move somewhere, you always take yourself with you. Now I really feel what it means. Sometimes you even need to move somewhere far away to face yourself and have a chance to know yourself better. That’s a journey that must be travelled, no matter how difficult and challenging it is. That’s the way to find the truth. Your truth.
I have been living independently since I was 16, quite a tender age indeed. Starting with this age I had been facing the situations when I had to make my own choices and afterwards to deal with the consequences taking the responsibility of my own decisions. To be honest, sometimes when I look back, I would prefer to avoid some of these decisions and consequences. But when I ask myself, if I would made it differently, the answer is “no” always. I believe this experience made me who I am, built some crucial parts of me and made them stronger. Although the same experience made me weaker in a certain way, which is sad, but probably inevitable.
Even though I was a very independent woman who always preferred to choose her own way and had enough strength to follow it, when at the age of 34 I moved to another country, my world crashed for a while. I had to face hundreds of questions and to find the answers, that seemed to have been found quite a long time ago. I thought I was ready for that, but the life taught me an important lesson. You never know if you are ready for something or not until you start doing this. You can feel over-prepared and ready to go, you can have lots of theoretical knowledge and build a safety net, and I must say – you need to do all of this. The problem is, you never know where exactly it could go until you make the first step.
And so it happened to me: my outer world crashed for a while, and my inner world started falling too. I felt crushed and exhausted. I was certain my inner world had been built strong enough to withstand that attack. After some time I even started to doubt I was the person, that I believed I had been, and I could bear all this. That was a tough time.
And one day I realized (not without help of my beloved ones) – that was the moment when I had met myself. A real me, with all my worries, fears and imperfections. That moment became a relief.
They say the darkest time is just before the dawn. Thanks to God, my dawn came and the things got better. I am not sure whether I’ve found the whole truth yet, but I am definitely sure I am on the right way, and I will face it one day.
Today, yet again, I faced another tough question: where is the balance between taking your life in your own hands and just living your life as it goes, accepting thankfully everything that comes into it?
I always liked being on top of the situation, controlling myself, my emotions and thoughts, and even trying to take control over the people and events. I can not say it worked well. Actually, it worked sometimes bringing the results which can be considered quite good. But it didn’t help a lot. It helped me to pay my taxes, calculate the discounts and achieve some success at work. Right. In all other life situations it worked the other way around. These vain endeavours to make some visible order in my personal life, my emotions and other people’s behaviour made my life messier and more disorganised.
I couldn’t get the problem, and to be honest I am not so sure I’ve got it by the moment. Why on earth is it good to control your money, be accurate with your bills and taxes, clean your teeth twice a day, not to eat after 6 pm, put some morning/night cream on your face and honestly believe that all this rubbish will bring you to a perfect life? And why does not this method work with all other stuff?
A funny thing is that now I know, no one guarantees anything to you. Money can be lost, teeth can bring pain, eating before 6 pm does not mean being fit and healthy and so on. I must admit, that sounds shitty. If I can’t control anything, how am I supposed to take my life in my own hands?
As for emotions and feelings it’s even worse. I am totally convinced now, I can’t control them at all. They live in me without asking my permission and if I try to control them – they revolt. Sooner or later.
So, they say I just need to learn how to live intuitively, do not control and analyse my emotions, just feel them and let them be as they are. The tough thing for me is that I can’t understand how to live instinctively, 30 years of being a control freak lead to some consequences which can not be demolished so easy. And where am I supposed to put good and useful things: principles, discipline, will power, purposefulness? How can they easily coexist with intuition and acceptance?
I hope I will find the answers to all these questions. When there’s a will, there’s a way. And my way to “hands-free” state is in process.
Start being genuinely interested in yourself, that’s the ground zero for everything.
Dale Carnegie said that “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Well, I believe he was totally right. In a certain way. Me personally, I would add here another critical point: you can make real friends only by becoming genuinely interested in yourself. Paradox? A kind of.
I am not speaking about becoming selfish and egotistic. My point is totally different. I mean that you can not build any stable and long relationship without being interested in yourself and knowing exactly who you are and what you want. That’s the ground zero for everything. You, your thoughts, your opinions, your principles and your desires start everything and make you being real, an individual who differs from others. Everyone who begins any relationship with you (friendship or another one) must know whom they are dealing with. Otherwise it would be a kind of a “blind date” for both of you, and, as almost all blind dates, it won’t bring any good results and good experiences.
Acting blindfolded will mean each of you will deal with a total stranger: your friend does not know who you are, you – do not know who you are too. The scheme 1+1+1=2? does not look very inspiring, indeed.
If your “friend” does not know him/herself well, this scheme will be even more rotted. This relationship can be shown as 1+1+1+1=2? where several different people act independently and unconsciously trying to make 2 of 4. So, start with yourself. The journey to friendship, confidence and loyalty begins with you and your self-understanding. No one says this journey will be quick and easy but unfortunately it’s the only way to build something valuable and stable.
It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. The main core must stay stable, as this main core is the person itself.
Recently I’ve realized one thing. This insight was so obvious and simple that now I am really surprised I needed so much time to come to this. My personal boundaries and life principles are the most important things! It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. Moving to a totally new place does change a person, that’s true. But at the same time the main core must stay stable, must not be changed or even tried to be changed. As this main core is the person itself. Without this core the person does not exist at all.
Boom! Why did not I think about this before? Because. Because somehow I was lost among the changes, new things and lots of thoughts, overwhelmed with the information, events and fears. So many new things to think about, so many people telling you about their experience and giving you the instructions how to become a more successful immigrant. Motherforking shirt! What was I thinking when I tried to fit in those experiences of the people that I even don’t know and who mean nothing to me? That’s their lives, their choice and their experience. I want to build up my own.
Thanks to God somewhere near my 30s I finally started to get the idea of who I am and what I want. I am still learning this: to answer those simple questions and to make my own choice. All the time and everywhere. And here is the point: that worked quite well for me when I was at home. But when I moved to another place, somehow this idea got squeezed by the burden of mixed emotions, tons of information and growing frustration. I did not know what I had to do, what people expected from me or do they even expected anything? And I found a way: being nice and friendly and make new friends (as all those “consultants” say).
And one day a good thing happened to me. I was at a social meeting, was nice and friendly, talked to people and tried to make new friends. And after coming home, when the meeting was over, I suddenly realized that in this “nice and friendly” state I almost let a person trespass my boundaries. Again. Again because it happened before. Again although I spent some years learning how to protect them.
I must admit I was frustrated. Smashed. What’s the point? I’ve just tried to be nice and friendly, what did I do wrong? And then I realized: the idea of being “nice and friendly” because I am new here and want to build your social life from scratch is totally rotten. That’s a dead end! Makes totally no sense to forget about your boundaries and the main core while that’s who you are and what makes you a personality. If you are talkative and easy-going, or boring and introverted – be honest with yourself and keep being so! If you start being another person, you will lose yourself and fool other people too. They meet you, got the wrong idea about you and then will expect some definite behavior from you. So, you fall in your own trap!
I realized that being myself is the only right decision I can take. It’s the right decision because it feels right to be me. I will follow my heart and take my own choice. If I don’t like a person or don’t like it’s behavior, I can say directly: “Hey, buddy, stop this right now. I don’t like this!”. That does not mean I must be rude or sound offensive. I just want to let the person know that here is the line which must not be crossed no matter what. And if the person does not get this at once – I have all the rights to protect my boundaries by the means I choose. I even can be rude or offensive (if I choose this) because I gave the warning notice and here are the consequences.
And if my choice to be myself will push some people away from me – then so be it. All is for the best in the best of possible worlds. I am sure if some people go, then other people will come. The people who will respect the same rules as me and will appreciate my personality. If there will be 1 or 2 of them at this new place, then so be it. 1 or 2 valuable people is already a lot – in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe.
