Finding myself Archives

Think globally – act locally

One step at a time, then another step and the next one. And maybe after that I will find myself at a place, where I see a little bit more, where the future steps will be more definite and clear.

My first months here were a total disaster, this I must admit. My own mind, quick and active, prepared a trap for me, and I fell into this trap like a fly falls into strawberry jam, sweet and viscous.

An absolute analysis of everything took and absorbed me. I was like information magnet, my mind captured and remembered everything that was in sight: objects, people, people’s behaviour, language, accents and thousands of other things. And I tried to process all this information! Poor me, that task seems impossible for any person. How and what for was I going to do this?

No wonder I got sick. The more I analysed and processed, the sicker and more lost I felt. After some time of doing this masochistic exercise, I got totally and completely lost in all this information and details. That made me feel sad, scared and even frustrated. Somehow I felt that the outside world does not want me to succeed here and find my right way. Sounds nuts, but those were my real feelings and emotions at that time.

Now, when I am able to look back, at that exact moment of my life, I see it very clearly, what I was doing wrong. Now I understand, that the attempts I was making – were going round in circles, it was a dead end without any possible solution. A trap.

The analysis is good, sometimes it’s a gift, when you can make a healthy analysis of your mistakes and learn something from this experience. But here as always a delicate balance must be struck. A little of overdoing – and you got the opposite. The gift turns out to be the evil, which can destroy everything alive within the radius of 10 miles. And the consequences would be deplorable.

As for me, I found the only way to break this circle: I decided not to think globally for some time.

Simply define the closest steps, that I can see from where I am, and start to act. Just do it and then do it again, one step at a time, then another step and the next one. And maybe after that I will find myself at a place, where I see a little bit more, where the future steps will be more definitive and clear. Sounds easy and simple, but believe me, sometimes this manifest truth is not so simple to find and to feel.

So stop analyzing, start acting now towards the nearest and smallest goals, that you see. Act locally and particularly, relax. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and this step was already done.

We reap what we sow. Choose carefully what you nourish.

All the troubles and difficulties, that I faced after starting a new phase of my life (moving to another country and getting married), made me think about myself and my personality. As I mentioned before, at the first moment I found myself crushed and exhausted. And then I started to think – am I really the person that I believe I am? If some of my principles and beliefs could be smashed and stretched so easily, do I really possess them?

Now I think this moment of uncertainty was inevitable. I had to recollect all my thoughts and beliefs to sort them out and choose the right ones that form my main core. A kind of a natural selection. And after that, take care of them, nourish and cherish like the most precious treasures of all the times. As those were the ones that could help me to overcome the crisis and to become a real me, more complete and solid.

But the question of why my principles had been in danger, was constantly bothering me. And one day I realized that they had almost crashed down under the pressure of fast moving events and changes because some of them had not been placed deep inside. They were sown at the very first, superficial level, and that was not deep enough for them to grow. It’s like in this movie with DiCaprio called “Inception”, where the guys needed to go to the 3rd level of dream to implement the idea. The first and the second levels were not enough to accomplish the task.

The same thing happened to me – I planted some seeds at the first level and decided they could grow, put down the roots and I even could reap a harvest. Overconfident me! Now I know for sure, that I need to cherish my baby-plants for years until they become strong, confident and mature enough to put down the roots and grow into small trees. And later on, after some more years of taking care and protecting them from wind, sun and frost, I could find the grown-up trees in my garden and hopefully gather the harvest.

That would mean my principles became so strong and firm that they could stand the test of time and rough weather. They could support me in good and bad times and be my guiding star in this journey called “LIFE”.

The darkest time is just before the dawn.

darkest time before dawn — They say the darkest time is just before the dawn. I believe that’s true.

If you can not find the truth within yourself, where else do you expect to find it?

Dogen, a Japanese philosopher

They say when you move somewhere, you always take yourself with you. Now I really feel what it means. Sometimes you even need to move somewhere far away to face yourself and have a chance to know yourself better. That’s a journey that must be travelled, no matter how difficult and challenging it is. That’s the way to find the truth. Your truth.

I have been living independently since I was 16, quite a tender age indeed. Starting with this age I had been facing the situations when I had to make my own choices and afterwards to deal with the consequences taking the responsibility of my own decisions. To be honest, sometimes when I look back, I would prefer to avoid some of these decisions and consequences. But when I ask myself, if I would made it differently, the answer is “no” always. I believe this experience made me who I am, built some crucial parts of me and made them stronger. Although the same experience made me weaker in a certain way, which is sad, but probably inevitable.

Even though I was a very independent woman who always preferred to choose her own way and had enough strength to follow it, when at the age of 34 I moved to another country, my world crashed for a while. I had to face hundreds of questions and to find the answers, that seemed to have been found quite a long time ago. I thought I was ready for that, but the life taught me an important lesson. You never know if you are ready for something or not until you start doing this. You can feel over-prepared and ready to go, you can have lots of theoretical knowledge and build a safety net, and I must say – you need to do all of this. The problem is, you never know where exactly it could go until you make the first step.

And so it happened to me: my outer world crashed for a while, and my inner world started falling too. I felt crushed and exhausted. I was certain my inner world had been built strong enough to withstand that attack. After some time I even started to doubt I was the person, that I believed I had been, and I could bear all this. That was a tough time.

And one day I realized (not without help of my beloved ones) – that was the moment when I had met myself. A real me, with all my worries, fears and imperfections. That moment became a relief.

They say the darkest time is just before the dawn. Thanks to God, my dawn came and the things got better. I am not sure whether I’ve found the whole truth yet, but I am definitely sure I am on the right way, and I will face it one day.

Taking life in your own hands, or how to learn being “hands-free”

Today, yet again, I faced another tough question: where is the balance between taking your life in your own hands and just living your life as it goes, accepting thankfully everything that comes into it?

I always liked being on top of the situation, controlling myself, my emotions and thoughts, and even trying to take control over the people and events. I can not say it worked well. Actually, it worked sometimes bringing the results which can be considered quite good. But it didn’t help a lot. It helped me to pay my taxes, calculate the discounts and achieve some success at work. Right. In all other life situations it worked the other way around. These vain endeavours to make some visible order in my personal life, my emotions and other people’s behaviour made my life messier and more disorganised.

I couldn’t get the problem, and to be honest I am not so sure I’ve got it by the moment. Why on earth is it good to control your money, be accurate with your bills and taxes, clean your teeth twice a day, not to eat after 6 pm, put some morning/night cream on your face and honestly believe that all this rubbish will bring you to a perfect life? And why does not this method work with all other stuff?

A funny thing is that now I know, no one guarantees anything to you. Money can be lost, teeth can bring pain, eating before 6 pm does not mean being fit and healthy and so on. I must admit, that sounds shitty. If I can’t control anything, how am I supposed to take my life in my own hands?

As for emotions and feelings it’s even worse. I am totally convinced now, I can’t control them at all. They live in me without asking my permission and if I try to control them – they revolt. Sooner or later.

So, they say I just need to learn how to live intuitively, do not control and analyse my emotions, just feel them and let them be as they are. The tough thing for me is that I can’t understand how to live instinctively, 30 years of being a control freak lead to some consequences which can not be demolished so easy. And where am I supposed to put good and useful things: principles, discipline, will power, purposefulness? How can they easily coexist with intuition and acceptance?

I hope I will find the answers to all these questions. When there’s a will, there’s a way. And my way to “hands-free” state is in process.

Personal boundaries and immigration

It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. The main core must stay stable, as this main core is the person itself.

Recently I’ve realized one thing. This insight was so obvious and simple that now I am really surprised I needed so much time to come to this.
My personal boundaries and life principles are the most important things! It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. Moving to a totally new place does change a person, that’s true. But at the same time the main core must stay stable, must not be changed or even tried to be changed. As this main core is the person itself. Without this core the person does not exist at all.

Boom! Why did not I think about this before? Because. Because somehow I was lost among the changes, new things and lots of thoughts, overwhelmed with the information, events and fears. So many new things to think about, so many people telling you about their experience and giving you the instructions how to become a more successful immigrant. Motherforking shirt! What was I thinking when I tried to fit in those experiences of the people that I even don’t know and who mean nothing to me? That’s their lives, their choice and their experience. I want to build up my own.

Thanks to God somewhere near my 30s I finally started to get the idea of who I am and what I want. I am still learning this: to answer those simple questions and to make my own choice. All the time and everywhere. And here is the point: that worked quite well for me when I was at home. But when I moved to another place, somehow this idea got squeezed by the burden of mixed emotions, tons of information and growing frustration. I did not know what I had to do, what people expected from me or do they even expected anything? And I found a way: being nice and friendly and make new friends (as all those “consultants” say).

And one day a good thing happened to me. I was at a social meeting, was nice and friendly, talked to people and tried to make new friends. And after coming home, when the meeting was over, I suddenly realized that in this “nice and friendly” state I almost let a person trespass my boundaries. Again. Again because it happened before. Again although I spent some years learning how to protect them.

I must admit I was frustrated. Smashed. What’s the point? I’ve just tried to be nice and friendly, what did I do wrong? And then I realized: the idea of being “nice and friendly” because I am new here and want to build your social life from scratch is totally rotten. That’s a dead end! Makes totally no sense to forget about your boundaries and the main core while that’s who you are and what makes you a personality. If you are talkative and easy-going, or boring and introverted – be honest with yourself and keep being so! If you start being another person, you will lose yourself and fool other people too. They meet you, got the wrong idea about you and then will expect some definite behavior from you. So, you fall in your own trap!

I realized that being myself is the only right decision I can take. It’s the right decision because it feels right to be me. I will follow my heart and take my own choice. If I don’t like a person or don’t like it’s behavior, I can say directly: “Hey, buddy, stop this right now. I don’t like this!”. That does not mean I must be rude or sound offensive. I just want to let the person know that here is the line which must not be crossed no matter what. And if the person does not get this at once – I have all the rights to protect my boundaries by the means I choose. I even can be rude or offensive (if I choose this) because I gave the warning notice and here are the consequences.

And if my choice to be myself will push some people away from me – then so be it. All is for the best in the best of possible worlds. I am sure if some people go, then other people will come. The people who will respect the same rules as me and will appreciate my personality. If there will be 1 or 2 of them at this new place, then so be it. 1 or 2 valuable people is already a lot – in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe.