Immigration Archives

Click-click

I’ve noticed that sometimes I like people, but they don’t like me. No matter how friendly and nice I am, they just do not like me and do not see me as their potential friend. And vice versa.

Several weeks ago I was browsing Instagram and came over a blogger’s post. There she gave the advice how to make friends if you had moved to a new country. There were all useful but very standard points like being friendly, using Meetup and following interesting people on Instagram. They all were good, at some point. But when I commented this post, I found a comment which surprised me at that time. Being susrprised one girl asked: “Do the grown-up people search for friends for real?”, and she doubted that it all made sense.

Firstly I disagreed with the comment. I thought it was obvious that people searched for friends, as people do need to communicate, socialize and have somebody to share the time with. “What a silly comment!” – I said to myself.

And now, after some time passed, the things got clearer and simpler for me. Now I think I understand what she meant. Do people SEARCH for friends for real? Now this question sounds so to me.

Certainly you can always search, but that does not mean you will find. You can search for friends, job, husband or wife, partners and investors. But in my opinion you get all these relationships only when it clicks. On both sides.

Both parties should have the interest in each other. Only then it works. And actually one can’t search for this exact person with whom you click, at least you can not hope that if you search persistently, you will definitely find. In my opinion that happens naturally, you can not push this event or accelerate it.

I’ve noticed that sometimes I like people, but they don’t like me. No matter how friendly and nice I am, they just do not like me and do not see me as their potential friend. And vice versa. Sometimes I do not want to develop the relations with the people who seem to like me a lot. The things do not click, that’s all.

Please get me right, I am not pushed or rejected by these people, and I don’t do this myself. We smile, shake hands and have some small talk for a while, lead some superficial conversation about nothing particular. And go, each one in their own direction. That’s it. It doesn’t go further because we are not interested so much in each other, we don’t want to know each other better!

And on the contrary, when it works and clicks, we are excited about each other, we talk and smile (this small signs of politeness do not change) and we really enjoy the conversation. Every party makes some slight and discreet moves to start something, which is bigger than just a small talk. We want to know each other better and deeper, and we do hope this interest will grow. From the first moment when we met, we just feel this interest, a kind of energy which attracts each one of us. That’s it.

I believe such things just happen randomly as a coincidence or a chance, and one can’t search for them. It will just click. If not, let it be so. Leave some empty place for the right people and they will come.

I believe such things just happen randomly as a coincidence or a chance, and one can’t search for them. Surely, it makes totally sense to go out, attend some meetings and workshops, start a conversation if you are in mood for it. But to my mind, it is worth doing all this not because you are “searching for new friends” or need to do some networking, then your intentions will be corrupted so to say.

I strongly believe that won’t bring you any further. I think you must do all this only:

1) when you want to
2) when you are really interested in person and what he/she is saying
3) when you are not expecting anything particular from this conversation and ready to end it as quickly as it started.

Then, in my opinion, there is a big chance, actually 50/50% ;), that you will meet someone who has the same intentions as you, and it will just click. If not, let it be so. Leave some empty place for the right people and they will come.

Think globally – act locally

One step at a time, then another step and the next one. And maybe after that I will find myself at a place, where I see a little bit more, where the future steps will be more definite and clear.

My first months here were a total disaster, this I must admit. My own mind, quick and active, prepared a trap for me, and I fell into this trap like a fly falls into strawberry jam, sweet and viscous.

An absolute analysis of everything took and absorbed me. I was like information magnet, my mind captured and remembered everything that was in sight: objects, people, people’s behaviour, language, accents and thousands of other things. And I tried to process all this information! Poor me, that task seems impossible for any person. How and what for was I going to do this?

No wonder I got sick. The more I analysed and processed, the sicker and more lost I felt. After some time of doing this masochistic exercise, I got totally and completely lost in all this information and details. That made me feel sad, scared and even frustrated. Somehow I felt that the outside world does not want me to succeed here and find my right way. Sounds nuts, but those were my real feelings and emotions at that time.

Now, when I am able to look back, at that exact moment of my life, I see it very clearly, what I was doing wrong. Now I understand, that the attempts I was making – were going round in circles, it was a dead end without any possible solution. A trap.

The analysis is good, sometimes it’s a gift, when you can make a healthy analysis of your mistakes and learn something from this experience. But here as always a delicate balance must be struck. A little of overdoing – and you got the opposite. The gift turns out to be the evil, which can destroy everything alive within the radius of 10 miles. And the consequences would be deplorable.

As for me, I found the only way to break this circle: I decided not to think globally for some time.

Simply define the closest steps, that I can see from where I am, and start to act. Just do it and then do it again, one step at a time, then another step and the next one. And maybe after that I will find myself at a place, where I see a little bit more, where the future steps will be more definitive and clear. Sounds easy and simple, but believe me, sometimes this manifest truth is not so simple to find and to feel.

So stop analyzing, start acting now towards the nearest and smallest goals, that you see. Act locally and particularly, relax. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and this step was already done.

2-way street

Being considerate towards each other, this approach is suitable not only for finding your way in the traffic but also in finding your own way in the job market.

The official “Highway Code” issued by the Department for Transport says: “It is important that all road users are aware of the Code and are considerate towards each other. This applies to pedestrians as much as to drivers and riders.”. Being considerate towards each other and do not forget that you’re not the only road user, the other users also exist and they must be respected and treated equally!

Good words, very wise ones. It’s clear this approach is suitable not only for finding your way in the traffic but also in finding your own way in the job market.

Somehow it turns out a lot of employers do not have any understanding of these rules, or maybe they just did not read the “Highway Code”?

A very standard job description (thousands of which are now published at the job searching sites) points out and underlines the only thing: that’s the company who makes a choice. It’s emphasized by all means: they are searching for exactly this type of person; they set the deadlines and the date of assessment which requires a certain number of applicants. Which sounds really strange – even if you totally fit in this job, they will not take you without making a contest. Ha! Competition is a crucial point, you don’t have to be just good or excellent, you have to fight and compete, and only when you win, you’re good enough. Very spoilt logic in my opinion.

They politely inform you that if they are interested in you, they will contact you, and say directly that if you were not contacted within a certain period of time – that’s because they did not see any interest in you. Alright. Sounds quite fair but for one exception. Just very few of them remember about the candidate and his interests. Strange? Yes, indeed!

Slavery was abolished a long time ago, we live now in the age of individual freedom, free and open market, and personal awareness. The company search for right people, the right people search for right companies. That’s how it works ideally – a two-way street functioning on the base of the official “Highway Code” and the respect towards each other. Ideal does not always mean real. And very often the second party of this contract is unfairly forgotten, sometimes even not mentioned. What does this job-seeker want? What exactly does he/she expect? What is he/she searching for?

Instead of carrying on fair negotiations with the candidates, the company chooses a strange way – to make them feel in need. Sometimes even worse – they make them feel low and insignificant. They are offered to make tons of tests and tasks, to imitate a real situation, to sell something/to buy something, to speak/sing/dance, God only knows what else, and finally to prove they are good enough for this place. And then, for a dessert – my favourite one! “Mmh, why should we choose you?” Pause. Applause.

Good when it goes as a dessert, very often this question is asked after 5-10 minutes talk, after the poor candidate had been investigated about his previous work experience and professional strengths. He-l-l-o-o-o! For that exact moment the candidate did not ask you to take them! They didn’t even have the chance to put in their questions: what about the company, about its strengths and weaknesses, about the salary and conditions?

The candidate is selling him/herself, right, but the price must be negotiated, don’t you think so? Otherwise, it’s not a two-way street, it’s the backyard of your house, where you govern and reign with the caveat, that your backyard is very limited. It’s limited by your own fence and the proprietary rights. And the real life is running behind this fence, that’s where the two-way streets exist, where both pedestrians and drivers are considerate towards each other. And where they all do respect the official “Highway Code”.

Making a difference

I want to do the things that I like doing. I want to be satisfied with the results of my activity and achieve something. And it must bring me pleasure. That’s what makes a difference!

Yesterday I was communicating to a person concerning my possible work for a certain organization. The discussion was going quite ok, although some points bothered me a little.

But when I woke up in the night, I suddenly realized – I just don’t want to do this exact job. I mean it’s fine, quite ok, close to what I did before maybe too simple comparing to what I had achieved. But that’s not the point.

I was thinking about the company who gives this job – they are doing what they are doing for some reasons. They find this useful, maybe the impact that their activity brings is crucial or they just earn money as they can and like it. In any case they do it for some purpose. They make a difference.

But why was I going to fit in this? What kind of difference am I supposed to make if I personally don’t find anything special for me in this job: it does not feel like a big challenge, it’s unlikely that I will learn something new and I am not going to earn money there (must admit I really like earning money and investing it for doing something good. That’s one of my peculiarities.). So why do I want to do this? Actually I do not. It does not feel good for me. Starting to invest my time and my efforts in this makes totally no sense for me.

If I do this because it’s quite a good start for an immigrant, right way to launch my future career here or the normal 1st job at a new place, that will be a big mistake. That feels in the same way as to marry a guy who is fine, quite ok, maybe nice and has a good potential but whom I don’t like, don’t love! The same bullshit.

I want to do the things that I like doing. I want to be satisfied with the results of my activity and achieve something. And it must bring me pleasure. This point is critical: this job must bring me good emotions, satisfaction, motivation and PLEASURE. That’s what makes a difference!

Making friends, or Dale Carnegie wasn’t completely right

dangerfriends — Start being genuinely interested in yourself, that’s the ground zero for everything.

Dale Carnegie said that “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

Well, I believe he was totally right. In a certain way.
Me personally, I would add here another critical point: you can make real friends only by becoming genuinely interested in yourself. Paradox? A kind of.

I am not speaking about becoming selfish and egotistic. My point is totally different.
I mean that you can not build any stable and long relationship without being interested in yourself and knowing exactly who you are and what you want. That’s the ground zero for everything. You, your thoughts, your opinions, your principles and your desires start everything and make you being real, an individual who differs from others. Everyone who begins any relationship with you (friendship or another one) must know whom they are dealing with. Otherwise it would be a kind of a “blind date” for both of you, and, as almost all blind dates, it won’t bring any good results and good experiences.

Acting blindfolded will mean each of you will deal with a total stranger: your friend does not know who you are, you – do not know who you are too. The scheme 1+1+1=2? does not look very inspiring, indeed.

If your “friend” does not know him/herself well, this scheme will be even more rotted. This relationship can be shown as 1+1+1+1=2? where several different people act independently and unconsciously trying to make 2 of 4.
So, start with yourself. The journey to friendship, confidence and loyalty begins with you and your self-understanding. No one says this journey will be quick and easy but unfortunately it’s the only way to build something valuable and stable.