Several weeks ago I was browsing Instagram and came over a blogger’s post. There she gave the advice how to make friends if you had moved to a new country. There were all useful but very standard points like being friendly, using Meetup and following interesting people on Instagram. They all were good, at some point. But when I commented this post, I found a comment which surprised me at that time. Being susrprised one girl asked: “Do the grown-up people search for friends for real?”, and she doubted that it all made sense.
Firstly I disagreed with the comment. I thought it was obvious that people searched for friends, as people do need to communicate, socialize and have somebody to share the time with. “What a silly comment!” – I said to myself.
And now, after some time passed, the things got clearer and simpler for me. Now I think I understand what she meant. Do people SEARCH for friends for real? Now this question sounds so to me.
Certainly you can always search, but that does not mean you will find. You can search for friends, job, husband or wife, partners and investors. But in my opinion you get all these relationships only when it clicks. On both sides.
Both parties should have the interest in each other. Only then it works. And actually one can’t search for this exact person with whom you click, at least you can not hope that if you search persistently, you will definitely find. In my opinion that happens naturally, you can not push this event or accelerate it.
I’ve noticed that sometimes I like people, but they don’t like me. No matter how friendly and nice I am, they just do not like me and do not see me as their potential friend. And vice versa. Sometimes I do not want to develop the relations with the people who seem to like me a lot. The things do not click, that’s all.
Please get me right, I am not pushed or rejected by these people, and I don’t do this myself. We smile, shake hands and have some small talk for a while, lead some superficial conversation about nothing particular. And go, each one in their own direction. That’s it. It doesn’t go further because we are not interested so much in each other, we don’t want to know each other better!
And on the contrary, when it works and clicks, we are excited about each other, we talk and smile (this small signs of politeness do not change) and we really enjoy the conversation. Every party makes some slight and discreet moves to start something, which is bigger than just a small talk. We want to know each other better and deeper, and we do hope this interest will grow. From the first moment when we met, we just feel this interest, a kind of energy which attracts each one of us. That’s it.
I believe such things just happen randomly as a coincidence or a chance, and one can’t search for them. Surely, it makes totally sense to go out, attend some meetings and workshops, start a conversation if you are in mood for it. But to my mind, it is worth doing all this not because you are “searching for new friends” or need to do some networking, then your intentions will be corrupted so to say.
I strongly believe that won’t bring you any further. I think you must do all this only:
- 1) when you want to
- 2) when you are really interested in person and what he/she is saying
- 3) when you are not expecting anything particular from this conversation and ready to end it as quickly as it started.
Then, in my opinion, there is a big chance, actually 50/50% ;), that you will meet someone who has the same intentions as you, and it will just click. If not, let it be so. Leave some empty place for the right people and they will come.
