Recently I’ve realized one thing. This insight was so obvious and simple that now I am really surprised I needed so much time to come to this.
My personal boundaries and life principles are the most important things! It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. Moving to a totally new place does change a person, that’s true. But at the same time the main core must stay stable, must not be changed or even tried to be changed. As this main core is the person itself. Without this core the person does not exist at all.
Boom! Why did not I think about this before? Because. Because somehow I was lost among the changes, new things and lots of thoughts, overwhelmed with the information, events and fears. So many new things to think about, so many people telling you about their experience and giving you the instructions how to become a more successful immigrant. Motherforking shirt! What was I thinking when I tried to fit in those experiences of the people that I even don’t know and who mean nothing to me? That’s their lives, their choice and their experience. I want to build up my own.
Thanks to God somewhere near my 30s I finally started to get the idea of who I am and what I want. I am still learning this: to answer those simple questions and to make my own choice. All the time and everywhere. And here is the point: that worked quite well for me when I was at home. But when I moved to another place, somehow this idea got squeezed by the burden of mixed emotions, tons of information and growing frustration. I did not know what I had to do, what people expected from me or do they even expected anything? And I found a way: being nice and friendly and make new friends (as all those “consultants” say).
And one day a good thing happened to me. I was at a social meeting, was nice and friendly, talked to people and tried to make new friends. And after coming home, when the meeting was over, I suddenly realized that in this “nice and friendly” state I almost let a person trespass my boundaries. Again. Again because it happened before. Again although I spent some years learning how to protect them.
I must admit I was frustrated. Smashed. What’s the point? I’ve just tried to be nice and friendly, what did I do wrong? And then I realized: the idea of being “nice and friendly” because I am new here and want to build your social life from scratch is totally rotten. That’s a dead end! Makes totally no sense to forget about your boundaries and the main core while that’s who you are and what makes you a personality. If you are talkative and easy-going, or boring and introverted – be honest with yourself and keep being so! If you start being another person, you will lose yourself and fool other people too. They meet you, got the wrong idea about you and then will expect some definite behavior from you. So, you fall in your own trap!
I realized that being myself is the only right decision I can take. It’s the right decision because it feels right to be me. I will follow my heart and take my own choice. If I don’t like a person or don’t like it’s behavior, I can say directly: “Hey, buddy, stop this right now. I don’t like this!”. That does not mean I must be rude or sound offensive. I just want to let the person know that here is the line which must not be crossed no matter what. And if the person does not get this at once – I have all the rights to protect my boundaries by the means I choose. I even can be rude or offensive (if I choose this) because I gave the warning notice and here are the consequences.
And if my choice to be myself will push some people away from me – then so be it. All is for the best in the best of possible worlds. I am sure if some people go, then other people will come. The people who will respect the same rules as me and will appreciate my personality. If there will be 1 or 2 of them at this new place, then so be it. 1 or 2 valuable people is already a lot – in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe.