immigration Archives

Click-click

I’ve noticed that sometimes I like people, but they don’t like me. No matter how friendly and nice I am, they just do not like me and do not see me as their potential friend. And vice versa.

Several weeks ago I was browsing Instagram and came over a blogger’s post. There she gave the advice how to make friends if you had moved to a new country. There were all useful but very standard points like being friendly, using Meetup and following interesting people on Instagram. They all were good, at some point. But when I commented this post, I found a comment which surprised me at that time. Being susrprised one girl asked: “Do the grown-up people search for friends for real?”, and she doubted that it all made sense.

Firstly I disagreed with the comment. I thought it was obvious that people searched for friends, as people do need to communicate, socialize and have somebody to share the time with. “What a silly comment!” – I said to myself.

And now, after some time passed, the things got clearer and simpler for me. Now I think I understand what she meant. Do people SEARCH for friends for real? Now this question sounds so to me.

Certainly you can always search, but that does not mean you will find. You can search for friends, job, husband or wife, partners and investors. But in my opinion you get all these relationships only when it clicks. On both sides.

Both parties should have the interest in each other. Only then it works. And actually one can’t search for this exact person with whom you click, at least you can not hope that if you search persistently, you will definitely find. In my opinion that happens naturally, you can not push this event or accelerate it.

I’ve noticed that sometimes I like people, but they don’t like me. No matter how friendly and nice I am, they just do not like me and do not see me as their potential friend. And vice versa. Sometimes I do not want to develop the relations with the people who seem to like me a lot. The things do not click, that’s all.

Please get me right, I am not pushed or rejected by these people, and I don’t do this myself. We smile, shake hands and have some small talk for a while, lead some superficial conversation about nothing particular. And go, each one in their own direction. That’s it. It doesn’t go further because we are not interested so much in each other, we don’t want to know each other better!

And on the contrary, when it works and clicks, we are excited about each other, we talk and smile (this small signs of politeness do not change) and we really enjoy the conversation. Every party makes some slight and discreet moves to start something, which is bigger than just a small talk. We want to know each other better and deeper, and we do hope this interest will grow. From the first moment when we met, we just feel this interest, a kind of energy which attracts each one of us. That’s it.

I believe such things just happen randomly as a coincidence or a chance, and one can’t search for them. It will just click. If not, let it be so. Leave some empty place for the right people and they will come.

I believe such things just happen randomly as a coincidence or a chance, and one can’t search for them. Surely, it makes totally sense to go out, attend some meetings and workshops, start a conversation if you are in mood for it. But to my mind, it is worth doing all this not because you are “searching for new friends” or need to do some networking, then your intentions will be corrupted so to say.

I strongly believe that won’t bring you any further. I think you must do all this only:

1) when you want to
2) when you are really interested in person and what he/she is saying
3) when you are not expecting anything particular from this conversation and ready to end it as quickly as it started.

Then, in my opinion, there is a big chance, actually 50/50% ;), that you will meet someone who has the same intentions as you, and it will just click. If not, let it be so. Leave some empty place for the right people and they will come.

Think globally – act locally

One step at a time, then another step and the next one. And maybe after that I will find myself at a place, where I see a little bit more, where the future steps will be more definite and clear.

My first months here were a total disaster, this I must admit. My own mind, quick and active, prepared a trap for me, and I fell into this trap like a fly falls into strawberry jam, sweet and viscous.

An absolute analysis of everything took and absorbed me. I was like information magnet, my mind captured and remembered everything that was in sight: objects, people, people’s behaviour, language, accents and thousands of other things. And I tried to process all this information! Poor me, that task seems impossible for any person. How and what for was I going to do this?

No wonder I got sick. The more I analysed and processed, the sicker and more lost I felt. After some time of doing this masochistic exercise, I got totally and completely lost in all this information and details. That made me feel sad, scared and even frustrated. Somehow I felt that the outside world does not want me to succeed here and find my right way. Sounds nuts, but those were my real feelings and emotions at that time.

Now, when I am able to look back, at that exact moment of my life, I see it very clearly, what I was doing wrong. Now I understand, that the attempts I was making – were going round in circles, it was a dead end without any possible solution. A trap.

The analysis is good, sometimes it’s a gift, when you can make a healthy analysis of your mistakes and learn something from this experience. But here as always a delicate balance must be struck. A little of overdoing – and you got the opposite. The gift turns out to be the evil, which can destroy everything alive within the radius of 10 miles. And the consequences would be deplorable.

As for me, I found the only way to break this circle: I decided not to think globally for some time.

Simply define the closest steps, that I can see from where I am, and start to act. Just do it and then do it again, one step at a time, then another step and the next one. And maybe after that I will find myself at a place, where I see a little bit more, where the future steps will be more definitive and clear. Sounds easy and simple, but believe me, sometimes this manifest truth is not so simple to find and to feel.

So stop analyzing, start acting now towards the nearest and smallest goals, that you see. Act locally and particularly, relax. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and this step was already done.

2-way street

Being considerate towards each other, this approach is suitable not only for finding your way in the traffic but also in finding your own way in the job market.

The official “Highway Code” issued by the Department for Transport says: “It is important that all road users are aware of the Code and are considerate towards each other. This applies to pedestrians as much as to drivers and riders.”. Being considerate towards each other and do not forget that you’re not the only road user, the other users also exist and they must be respected and treated equally!

Good words, very wise ones. It’s clear this approach is suitable not only for finding your way in the traffic but also in finding your own way in the job market.

Somehow it turns out a lot of employers do not have any understanding of these rules, or maybe they just did not read the “Highway Code”?

A very standard job description (thousands of which are now published at the job searching sites) points out and underlines the only thing: that’s the company who makes a choice. It’s emphasized by all means: they are searching for exactly this type of person; they set the deadlines and the date of assessment which requires a certain number of applicants. Which sounds really strange – even if you totally fit in this job, they will not take you without making a contest. Ha! Competition is a crucial point, you don’t have to be just good or excellent, you have to fight and compete, and only when you win, you’re good enough. Very spoilt logic in my opinion.

They politely inform you that if they are interested in you, they will contact you, and say directly that if you were not contacted within a certain period of time – that’s because they did not see any interest in you. Alright. Sounds quite fair but for one exception. Just very few of them remember about the candidate and his interests. Strange? Yes, indeed!

Slavery was abolished a long time ago, we live now in the age of individual freedom, free and open market, and personal awareness. The company search for right people, the right people search for right companies. That’s how it works ideally – a two-way street functioning on the base of the official “Highway Code” and the respect towards each other. Ideal does not always mean real. And very often the second party of this contract is unfairly forgotten, sometimes even not mentioned. What does this job-seeker want? What exactly does he/she expect? What is he/she searching for?

Instead of carrying on fair negotiations with the candidates, the company chooses a strange way – to make them feel in need. Sometimes even worse – they make them feel low and insignificant. They are offered to make tons of tests and tasks, to imitate a real situation, to sell something/to buy something, to speak/sing/dance, God only knows what else, and finally to prove they are good enough for this place. And then, for a dessert – my favourite one! “Mmh, why should we choose you?” Pause. Applause.

Good when it goes as a dessert, very often this question is asked after 5-10 minutes talk, after the poor candidate had been investigated about his previous work experience and professional strengths. He-l-l-o-o-o! For that exact moment the candidate did not ask you to take them! They didn’t even have the chance to put in their questions: what about the company, about its strengths and weaknesses, about the salary and conditions?

The candidate is selling him/herself, right, but the price must be negotiated, don’t you think so? Otherwise, it’s not a two-way street, it’s the backyard of your house, where you govern and reign with the caveat, that your backyard is very limited. It’s limited by your own fence and the proprietary rights. And the real life is running behind this fence, that’s where the two-way streets exist, where both pedestrians and drivers are considerate towards each other. And where they all do respect the official “Highway Code”.

Personal boundaries and immigration

It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. The main core must stay stable, as this main core is the person itself.

Recently I’ve realized one thing. This insight was so obvious and simple that now I am really surprised I needed so much time to come to this.
My personal boundaries and life principles are the most important things! It does not matter where I live: in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe. Moving to a totally new place does change a person, that’s true. But at the same time the main core must stay stable, must not be changed or even tried to be changed. As this main core is the person itself. Without this core the person does not exist at all.

Boom! Why did not I think about this before? Because. Because somehow I was lost among the changes, new things and lots of thoughts, overwhelmed with the information, events and fears. So many new things to think about, so many people telling you about their experience and giving you the instructions how to become a more successful immigrant. Motherforking shirt! What was I thinking when I tried to fit in those experiences of the people that I even don’t know and who mean nothing to me? That’s their lives, their choice and their experience. I want to build up my own.

Thanks to God somewhere near my 30s I finally started to get the idea of who I am and what I want. I am still learning this: to answer those simple questions and to make my own choice. All the time and everywhere. And here is the point: that worked quite well for me when I was at home. But when I moved to another place, somehow this idea got squeezed by the burden of mixed emotions, tons of information and growing frustration. I did not know what I had to do, what people expected from me or do they even expected anything? And I found a way: being nice and friendly and make new friends (as all those “consultants” say).

And one day a good thing happened to me. I was at a social meeting, was nice and friendly, talked to people and tried to make new friends. And after coming home, when the meeting was over, I suddenly realized that in this “nice and friendly” state I almost let a person trespass my boundaries. Again. Again because it happened before. Again although I spent some years learning how to protect them.

I must admit I was frustrated. Smashed. What’s the point? I’ve just tried to be nice and friendly, what did I do wrong? And then I realized: the idea of being “nice and friendly” because I am new here and want to build your social life from scratch is totally rotten. That’s a dead end! Makes totally no sense to forget about your boundaries and the main core while that’s who you are and what makes you a personality. If you are talkative and easy-going, or boring and introverted – be honest with yourself and keep being so! If you start being another person, you will lose yourself and fool other people too. They meet you, got the wrong idea about you and then will expect some definite behavior from you. So, you fall in your own trap!

I realized that being myself is the only right decision I can take. It’s the right decision because it feels right to be me. I will follow my heart and take my own choice. If I don’t like a person or don’t like it’s behavior, I can say directly: “Hey, buddy, stop this right now. I don’t like this!”. That does not mean I must be rude or sound offensive. I just want to let the person know that here is the line which must not be crossed no matter what. And if the person does not get this at once – I have all the rights to protect my boundaries by the means I choose. I even can be rude or offensive (if I choose this) because I gave the warning notice and here are the consequences.

And if my choice to be myself will push some people away from me – then so be it. All is for the best in the best of possible worlds. I am sure if some people go, then other people will come. The people who will respect the same rules as me and will appreciate my personality. If there will be 1 or 2 of them at this new place, then so be it. 1 or 2 valuable people is already a lot – in Russia, Iceland or Zimbabwe.